This post is rejoiceful!  My son, Dan, now 21 years old, completed his 1.5 year program in Recovery Court!  Yesterday they had a court hearing for all the Recovery Court people. And when it was Dan’s turn, lo and behold, he was greeted by: his current judge, his original judge, his parole officer, his counselor, his NarAnon sponsor, the people who worked in the jail when he was there, even the prosecuting attorney.  Even the judge’s clerk … and it was her day off.  They all came to congratulate Dan on a job well done and to give testimony, on the record, of what an inspiration it has been to watch him grow and heal.

I wish I could have been there. But his dad was there, which is good. I’m tearing up just writing it.

In this case, for my boy, “The System” worked.  The system I often railed against came through, partly because the program is a good one - a real example of the “it takes a village” philosophy.  So I hope that program continues to be supported.  But the program only works because of the people who run it.  They did their jobs with heart, and they — plus the hand of God — saved my son’s life.  And he has touched theirs as well.

I’ll write an official letter to someone there to express this, but I want to say it here: Thanks to all public officials who are in their positions for the right reasons, doing the best they can for everyday citizens.  Whatever I end up owing the IRS…it’s nothing compared to the gratitude I owe to all the people who walked beside my son at a time when I had to walk away.

God bless us all.

I did a first run-through of my taxes this morning and it looks like I’m going to owe money. Owe money?? Oh yeah…I didn’t plunge head-first into poverty for the right reasons.  Let’s see, first, I got divorced. Then, I worked part-time jobs so I could be home as much as possible for my kids. Of course, I did overuse credit at that time so their lives wouldn’t change too much. Then I took money from my retirement account to pay the credit….

OHHHH…then my boys became heroin addicts. Rehab. Stolen goods. Stolen money. Oh yes…then moving cross-country to help my daughter – I took a loan from my remaining retirement funds for that. Couldn’t find a job. Tried real estate. Bad timing. Took a low-paying part-time job. Still couldn’t pay the laon on the retirement account so … I defaulted, making all that money = to an early distribution = taxes and penalty taxes because … I’m not 55 yet, I didn’t take it to make mortgage payments (oh yeah, the house I didn’t buy because I knew I couldn’t afford it), I’m not a displaced *this* or unemployed *that*. 

The result is, I have $400 total in my bank right now, and I just might end up owing the IRS $1500, and the state of South Carolina another $350.  Great. I make $950 a month.  Awesome.

I’m going for a long walk by the beach to pray about this, but right now, I’m feeling the vibe of the Volcano!

p.s. Thanks, just needed to vent. I know that this too shall pass and someday this will be history. But I’m not feeling the love at the moment.

When my boys used heroin, it wasn’t just them. Almost their whole group of friends (not the girls as far as I know, but the guys) became addicts. I can easily name eight of them … maybe ten. And it probably reaches further than that. We’re talking about a middle- to upper-income suburban community; the place where people move to get away from this stuff.  But I digress.

Recently, my ex came home from work to hear a phone message from the mother of one of my son’s childhood friends.  This young man is now in the court system for charges stemming from his drug use. The mom has seen how well my son, Dan, is doing, and she asked my ex if he would be willing to meet with her to talk about it all.

Here’s the thing: This young man has been trouble with a capital “T” ever since we first met him (which was when the boys started kindergarten). He was in the court system before they were out of middle school … before any of these kids were using drugs of any kind. And the family has always had a reason why the things he did were not his fault.  There is a deep root of co-dependency there beyond what either me or my ex feel able to step into.

So my heart aches for these people, but I’m going to be honest: I pray for this young man and his whole family but if I did not ever see them again, and if my boys did not ever know this young man in their lives again, I would be fine with that. I feel heartless! I’m not heartless … I’m just a little bit afraid. I’ve been lied to by this boy way too many times – before heroin and after. And they’d all have to show me that they are honestly and wholeheartedly working a serious recovery before I could reach out in any way. My ex feels the same. And yet we struggle with the decision to stay detached from them because we know how important it’s been for us to have people give Dan a chance, you know?  I guess it’s all in God’s hands.

Heroin.  Addiction.  Lord knows it’s a communty affair.

I have a few photos that I would love to post.  And I’ve appreciated seeing photos that some of you have added to your blogs of your families. But I can’t bring myself to post pics of my kids. I know that many of the friends of my boys ended up as addicts as well, and I don’t want to expose my boys’ identities on the off chance that someone out there would recognize them and then read all the stories I’ve told about them.

I know the chance of this is low, but I guess I’ll stick with it for now.  So instead, just imagine it in your own mind: me the mom, my ex-husband, my two boys, my daughter, one girlfriend, my grandmother, aunt and cousin, all smiling and being silly for the camera in front of the Christmas tree.

It’s a pretty picture. I promise.  Smiles and love to all.

Since this news, I have seen a change in Al.  He seems more focused, more calm, and more upbeat than he’s been in awhile. It’s not as if the demands of his life have been removed. Far from it! But … I think he has, perhaps, a new sense of purpose.

Thankfully, my ex-husband and I, and Al’s girlfriends parents (who are also divorced) are all on board and ready to walk alongside them as they bring our newest family member into the world.  I pray that this child is born healthy, and that these new parents find the strength and support they need to walk their own healthy path.

Life goes on.  It sure does!  God bless!

LET GO……

To “LET GO” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “LET GO” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “LET GO” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “LET GO” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “LET GO” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “LET GO” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “LET GO” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “LET GO” is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
To “LET GO” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “LET GO” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “LET GO” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “LET GO” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “LET GO” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To “LET GO” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try and become what I can be.
To “LET GO” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “LET GO” is to fear less and love more!!
– Anonymous

Finally, she opened up a bit. It hurt, but it was healthy. She told me, point blank, how I dropped the parenting-ball during the years when my boys were starting to party.  She said that me and her dad both turned a blind eye to what was happening in our own homes – and in doing so, we failed her as parents. And we failed the boys too.  She said that she raised herself during the years when it was worse.  And then she said, “So check it out, Mom — this is me leaving the nest!!”

In the end though – like the story of grief I posted a couple of days ago – when it was all said and heard and understood – things were a little better.  She gave me a real hug for the first time in a year. And we both agreed that if this type of interaction is necessary now and then for us to communicate honestly with each other about hard things, then it is. And we’ll get through it.

I’m sad for her, and for me, and for us.  We’ve all lost a lot.  And the truth is, she is right about what she’s saying.  But she also has things to learn … about forgiveness, and the choice of love, and how families can heal.  So we keep on walking.

One Mom Talking – signing off for today. Make it a good one!

Do you know JOY? I’m not talking about that everyday happy feeling we get when we bite into a good slice of pizza or shop for a new pair of shoes.  I’m talking about the JOY that we have, always, in the core of us:  the joy that comes when you really know your Higher Power is walking with you.  We don’t always feel it, but it’s always there – waiting for us to decide that, despite our circumstances, we want that JOY to shine.

Am I a woman who walks with a constant glow of JOY?  I wish!  No, I’m human and we all have times when we look more like Ms. Grief.  But the more I focus on JOY … the more I define JOY and practice JOY … the more I know that there’s a light in every darkness.

Life is colorful!  Let’s enJOY it whenever we can.  Thanks for being here!